I haven’t been completely honest

No, this isn’t where I reveal I’ve been using a pen name or hiding behind a false picture, but those things aren’t far off from what I’ve been doing. A few months ago, I finished a manuscript that is the most honest I’ve ever written. And if you’ve read my work before, you know some of my things are pretty honest, pretty real. However, I masquerade the truth behind made-up characters. For so long, I’ve divided myself into segments, much like you’d do with newsletter lists or apps on a phone. I’ve divided myself, my being, into parts that I think would resonate with groups of people. The Fabi that’s a friend. The Fabi that’s an author. The Fabi that’s a life coach. Did you even know that? Nope. Because I’ve not been courageous enough to share it. I’ve created different “personas” to satisfy each audience, each part of me. Essentially, living different bits and pieces of life with a different role. It’s exhausting, yo. I won’t even say it’s hard, because I did it so naturally, but tiring? Hell, yes. I created this belief around my life that I had to separate my different talents, beliefs, hobbies, and passions according to the “person” I was being at the moment.

I never talked about my aspect of life coaching, energy healing, crystals, Oracle cards with anyone from the “book world” for fear I’d be looked at differently, not accepted, it would harm my books and reach. I created different accounts with the excuse of “branding” to keep it all neatly piled and sorted under categories. Life isn’t a math problem where you have to sort items by color or shape. When I’d be with people I worked holistic practices with, I’d not mention I wrote romance and women’s fiction because I still believed that the romance stigma existed (and let’s be real, it does) and people wouldn’t take me seriously as a practitioner if I wrote about love and sex. Come on, every human wants to be loved (even the blackest and coldest of hearts) and feel that intimate passion. Then, there was the me that was surrounded by friends, wondering which side I should show. As much as I love the moon, living in phases, exposing just parts at a time, dwindled my being. I started to question who I really was. Am I an author, a teacher, a healer? People would ask me what I worked in and I’d freeze. Ummm… I teach children. I’d cut myself short, not giving myself the respect and importance I deserved from myself.

In 2017, my New Year’s resolution was to be unapologetically me. Stand up for myself, say no when I felt like it, speak my truth. Guess what? I was lying to myself. It was a crock of shit, because how can I do that when I wasn’t being honest with the outside world. It’s not enough to tell yourself who you are. You gotta live it, breathe it, be damn proud of it. And while I am proud of my life, the things I’ve accomplished, I have not proved that. I haven’t lived it outside of my bubble.

I’ve slowly been talking about it. I’ve been sharing a tiny bit more in my reader group, talking about crystals, posting on my personal page about energy and moon eclipses and self-care. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough to sprinkle a bit here and there and hope that the flowers will grow without watering them. Without showing up every fucking day. I’ve never taken the stand to say, “Hey, this is me. Take it or leave it.” We’re so afraid of rejection, maybe because we’ve experienced the hurt of it so much throughout our lives. But you know what? I rather honor myself and learn who those people that are as honest and unapologetically themselves as I strive to be are, than be surrounded by people who unknowingly continue to feed my masks of untruth.

I am a plethora of things because I’ve decided to expand further than just one aspect. I’ve decided to grow and evolve and learn about life and myself and this vast universe we live in. Staying one-dimensional just didn’t cut it anymore. It wasn’t serving me or helping me heal. We all have shit we gotta work through. But man, cutting myself into smaller pieces, not knowing who to show up as, was not promoting my healing.

You know what I learned when I’d share with those in a similar spiritual and mindful journey as me that I write romance? People admired me. They admired me. Why? I wondered. They celebrated my books, my releases, my successes. Hell, they celebrated me. They didn’t have veil of disgust or shame. They embraced it and celebrated it. I slowly started to release my own self-judgment and share more openly (baby steps and all) that I was an author of romantic elements, steamy, sometimes sweet, sometimes cringe-worthy rawness. The only person that cared about what I’d look like was me. I was the only one judging myself.

Not so long ago I spoke to someone in the book community who had posted about a practice. If she reads this, it may ring a bell. Lol I’m drawing a blank at the moment about what that practice was (maybe karma or past lives, or something of the sort), but she sent me a message after a few comments back and forth, saying she had just read my Instagram bio (you know, the spiritual and holistic one I keep separate from my author one because of everything I just mentioned above) and had no idea I worked with everything I do. She thought it was awesome. You know what I told her? “I saw your pic the other day with himalayan lamp and oils and caught my attention. I’m definitely quiet about it and working on being more vocal.” (Don’t judge my grammar, it was a Facebook PM. Typos are accepted). I’ve been quiet about it. I wonder why. I wonder why it took me seeing someone else share about it for me to speak up and say, hey I like that. I agree with that. I live that.

God, we judge ourselves too hard from the perspective of others when they aren’t even doing it.  

Talking to a friend the other day, I told her I thought it was time to merge it all. Merge my blogs and have it all fall under one thing—Fabiola Francisco, human being that is working on not being so hard on herself, learning about life, collects crystals, smiles when she sees a feather, loves book boyfriends and romances and coffee (probably way too much), and writes about real life despite adoring cheesy romcoms and dreaming that one day Sam Hunt will fall in love with her (only half-kidding about this last part).

We all have a villain in ourselves that tries to take over at times (I call it the ego), but aren’t we all light and dark? Yin yang and all that jazz. It’s what helps us learn. Evolving that part and taking from it the lessons is what life is all about. If I were perfect, I’d be somewhere else that isn’t Earth. I’m here to learn, I’m here to meet people and learn from them, I’m here to express who I am.

I’ve gone on about this for longer than intended, so if you’re still reading, thank you, and I hope you live everything in pure honesty and authenticity. Truth is the new cool. Don’t cut yourself short. Don’t hide. Don’t think you won’t be accepted, because ultimately you need to accept yourself. That’s all that matters. Embrace who you are—flaws, gains, friendships, hardships, and passions. It’s all you. It’s all me. All we can do is be the best version of ourselves while we continue to grow as humans.

As for the book I finished. I have no idea how to market it, but I’ll figure it out. It’s all my honest truth combined with the vision of the life I want. It’s time to be real and accept myself. The rest will fall into place.

XO,

Fab